


The Voice in the Dark

by i_dalliance



Series: Two Sides of the Same Coin [1]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Earthborn (Mass Effect), Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Love Confessions, Mental Health Issues, Mutual Pining, No Shepard Without Vakarian, Past Abuse, Past Relationship(s), Porn with Feelings, Sole Survivor (Mass Effect), Suicidal Thoughts, suicidal idealation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:26:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28139145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_dalliance/pseuds/i_dalliance
Summary: Just days before their date shooting bottles on the Citadel, Shepard breaks off their tentative relationship after walking in on Tali embrace Garrus while Garrus never gets to confess to Shepard he loves her.Now Spectre Vakarian is assigned to protect Commander Shepard from a galaxy-wide conspiracy, would-be assassins determined to shatter the fragile peace that Shepard brought. While running for their lives Garrus tries to keep the woman he loves from spiralling into a self-destructive cycle.
Relationships: Female Shepard/Garrus Vakarian
Series: Two Sides of the Same Coin [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2088747
Comments: 22
Kudos: 64





	1. Loss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to preface this with a statement. I like Tali.  
> She is however written horribly in 3. That she flirts with Garrus no matter what even if you're in a relationship with either of them really destroys her character. Even the Citadel DLC comment when you're romancing Garrus gives me the creeps. It honestly weakens her own romance with Shepard and it makes it seem like she's only interested in either of them because they're not quarians and she's rebelling against her father now that she can. Either way doing what she does in 3 can ruin relationships so I'm writing about if she did. I will also state for the record that Tali and Garrus do not have a relationship in this, it is strictly one-sided.

_Her fingers dug into her arm, a sting spreading through the skin as it threatened to break. She had just walked into the gun battery - about to ask Garrus if he wanted to come up to the loft - seeing Tali and Garrus in an embrace._

_“Shepard,” Garrus said with Tali’s arms around his shoulders, “It’s not what it looks like.”_

_He pushed Tali off, his mandibles wavering as he just watched Shepard, “Please.”_

_Her face was still as water but her hand slinked out to grasp her forearm. Nails worried the skin as something dark and bubbly brewed up inside of her. A heat coating the inside of her throat._

_“It’s okay!” she wondered if they could hear the desperate pitch to it, “If that’s what makes you happy.”_

_“No… it’s not…” Garrus started but she turned around, the door already closing behind her._

_Her eyes began to burn as her pace hurried, desperate to go somewhere private. Just as the elevator opened and she stepped inside her omni-tool began to ring. She barely read Garrus’ name before shutting it off, pushing to head up into the loft._

_The elevator hummed around her and something spiked inside of, her fingers breaking skin as blood trailed down her arm. She barely noticed the pain, her chest aching and slowly spreading across her body._

_It wasn’t until she got into the loft that she cried, blood smearing across her face as she curled up into herself._

* * *

It was his depressing secret, an empty bottle of shitty wine he bought years ago. He remembered bringing it to Shepard, joking that it was the best he could afford. Turns out his best was never good enough. He never got that chance to explain, Shepard keeping his distance from both of them.

Not that he talked to Tali either after that day.

He only really pulled it out when that ache was too great, threatening to swallow him whole. He missed her and he was sure it was slowly killing him being away from her.

He carefully cradled the bottle in his hand, a finger trailing across the fading label. His heart nearly plummeted as a ping in the other room made his grip loosen and he just barely caught the bottle a few inches before it crashed into the floor.

He grumbled to himself as he put it away, moving to take the call. It was probably the Council but his mood had already soured by almost losing his last tie to Shepard.

As he stood on the platform it keyed to his biological information and it opened the line. There were more counsellors than ever, every race that fought in the war was considered capable of joining. The only species to turn it down was the rachni who had promptly disappeared after the last battle.

“Council,” he looked at the flickering holograms, “What do you need me for?”

Victus popped in on one of the three and Garrus had to remind himself to call him councillor.

“There have been rumours of an assassination attempt on Commander Shepard,” he opened coldly and Garrus had to keep his face from showing the dark feeling spreading across his stomach.

“We investigated it ourselves,” the Salarian councillor appeared, “We could not find the ones responsible but we did track payments between suspect people. Unfortunately, they seem to be proxies.”

Councillor Shala-Raan appeared before adding, “We need you to protect her and find those responsible.”

This is cruel, he wanted to snap. He was starting to adapt to a life without her, to how bleak his galaxy had become since she left. He wanted to argue, to state outright he had sex with her and he was unsuited to this mission because of this.

Instead, he just asked, “Why?”

“Garrus,” Victus said, “if she dies there’ll be riots across the galaxy. We can’t afford that right now. We are just getting over the devastation of the Reaper war.”

“I get that,” _more than you know_ , “but why me? I’m hardly unbiased.”

“It’s because you’re close to her that we’re picking you,” Bakara said, her eyes twinkling with something knowing that Garrus didn’t like, “She’ll listen to you.”

“We all owe her a debt we cannot repay,” Shala’raan added before Garrus could argue, “this is something only you can do.”

“Good luck Spectre Vakarian,” the Asari councillor said before they disappeared.

He stood there for a moment in his dark apartment, getting this nagging feeling inside of him that they were hiding something from him. His omni-tool beeped as he received a mission briefing including a very concerning schedule where she frequently sat alone in a public spot at the same time every day.

Spirits Shepard, his heart began to twist awkwardly in his chest, it’s like you want to be shot.

* * *

Garrus noticed her sitting on the bench, her body outlined with orange by the setting sun. A twanging tune rumbled through the air, Garrus seeing her shoulder’s move as her hands strummed the instrument in hand.

“Shepard,” he said, that tune stopping and he suddenly felt awkward while Shepard whipped around to glare at him.

“Your life’s in danger,” he weakly offered as an explanation, a throbbing beginning to build in his chest.

“I know,” her eyebrows pinched together before she turned away and refused to look at him, “I told the Council to let it be.”

“What?”

“I told them…”

“I heard that,” Garrus’ grasped the bench, fingers worrying the wood as his grip tensed before snapping, “What the _hell_ are you thinking?”

She didn’t answer, just looked at him with those baleful eyes. A soft smile tweaked the corner of her lips before she took a deep breath.

“Go home, Garrus.”

“No,” he snapped, "I'm not here to argue."

"I'll argue all I want," she threw her guitar case open and gently settled the instrument in before zipping it up.

"Spirits," he groaned, wondering if he shouldn't have sucked it up and announced to the council that he wasn’t the great option they thought he was, "Where are you going?"

"Home."

“Shepard…”

“I don’t have time to deal with this,” she said, picking up the guitar case’s handle, “and I certainly don’t have time to deal with you.”

She briskly started to walk away and Garrus followed after her. He wasn’t going to let her be a headline, nothing more than a martyr to fuel a galaxy-wide riot.

Garrus felt Shepard push him before the shot rang out. An eternity passed in a second as he grabbed his pistol from his waist to aim up towards the noise. His finger squeezed and another loud shot rang out, the meaty sound of a head exploding and a body thudding against the ground was all he heard but he ignored it to focus on Shepard.

“Shit,” was all he said, watching her shirt stain red from the bullet lodged into her shoulder.

“You’re hurt,” was all he could say, hands pressing against the wound and he felt sick at the deep red coating his hands, “We have to get to a clinic.”

“No,” her voice was desperate, reaching up to grasp the curve of his armour, “No clinic. No hospital.”

“Shepard, I…”

“Please,” her fingers tightened, those slender bones in her hands straining against her skin, “I… I can’t. Please, I’ll come with you but no hospitals.”

His hand tightened his grip on his gun before nodding. His other hand shook as he moved to shield Shepard with his body as he ran in the opposite direction. Her house was probably already infiltrated, regardless of skill the easiest way to kill someone is to get them when their guard was down.

He noticed the next one, a human with a noticeable gun on his waist. Bunch of amateurs, he thought to himself before shooting him. As Garrus neared the road he swept Shepard up into his arms as she instinctively grabbed his cowl with her other hand holding her guitar to her chest, her prosthetics knocking against his arm as he flew across. His long legs crossed in a few strides, taking advantage of his species natural speed.

A bullet grazed his armour before he could slip into the alleyway, Garrus keeping up his fast pace as he began to wind his way through dark alleyways until he didn’t even know where they were but the smell of salt and rotting fish met them.

“We need to get new clothes as well as take care of your shoulder,” he said, “I have no doubt that vids have already gone up on the news about the attempt on your life. We need to blend in.”

He looked at her, guitar across her lap before sighing.

“You also need to ditch the instrument, it’s too big.”

“No,” she said, her hand tightening on it.

“Shepard…”

“I agreed to go with you, I didn’t agree to throw my life away.”

Something about that phrasing bothered him but he didn’t have time to analyse it. Shepard was losing blood fast and he could tell she was starting to go into shock by the way her body began to sway.

He needed medi-gel fast.

“Where are we?”

“Down by the harbour,” she said, her head knocking against the wall behind her, “There’s a bunch of warehouses down here.”

Warehouses, he felt the word rumble through his mind as an idea hatched.

“Stay here.”

She gave a thumbs-up as he headed for the nearest warehouse looking for the most cigarette butt infested door. He pressed an ear to it, slowly opening the door when he heard nothing. He made his way through the break room after hacking the security camera’s, carefully opening doors.

He finally found it, rows of lockers. He quickly scanned them and found a turian name as well as a human woman's. He hoped it would fit as he hacked the lockers, grabbing the clothes from them before closing them.

He moved back out into the hallway, looking on the walls for a medpack. He knew there had to be one in here due to regulations.

He stumbled into a nicer room than the others, desk at the far wall and he looked around. As soon as he found that box with the red cross on it he went to it, hitting human as it dispensed a packet of medi-gel. He grabbed a few more and a few turian to boot when he slipped out. He quickly made his way back through the break room, his pace quickening as the door closed behind him.

He slipped into the alleyway and grouched next to Shepard, her eyes unable to focus on him. He pulled his gauntlets off before sanitizing his hand, his fingers slipping into the wound as he prodded for the bullet. His stomach began to turn at the red coating his fingers and he felt the edge of the bullet as he grasped it between his pointer finger and thumb.

“Look at me,” he said and she shook her head, a bit of consciousness returning, “I’m going to pull out that bullet on the count of three.”

“Okay.”

“One, two, three” his grip slipped and he tightened it on the bullet, she gave a muffled scream before hitting his armoured chest.

“That hurt!” her eyes were clear with anger, “Jesus, Vakarian.”

“Sorry,” he said, filling the wound with medi-gel, “That’s also not my name.”

As the medi-gel hardened he began to strip his armour, Shepard’s gaze was focused away from him and he ignored the twinge in his heart. He began putting on the turian uniform, sighing at how unflattering it was. He pulled everything of use out of his armours compartments, sensors and wires to tuck into his pockets.

“I think it’s set,” she was, poking her shoulder and he immediately threw the other uniform at her.

“Ah finally,” she said dryly, stripping and using what remained of her old shirt to clean off the blood, “my fantasies of being an Elkoss Combine worker have finally come true.”

“Glad I could be of some assistance,” he said while staring at the wall, Shepard changing behind him.

“I look like shit in this,” she said, the shirt just a bit too big for her.

“Join the club.”

She started tucking it into her pants before his omni-tool beeped and he ripped it off throwing it to the ground before taking Shepards. He crushed them beneath his feet while Shepard hoisted her guitar onto her back.

The first attempt failed but that didn’t mean they wouldn’t smarten up for the next. He didn’t need a tracking device to either of them.

“We need to get going,” he said while tossing their old clothes and armour at the bottom of a nearby dumpster before covering it with garbage bags, “We need supplies and a place to stay.”

* * *

“You know, it’s silly but you look just like Commander Shepard,” the asari clerk said cheerfully, folding their clothes into a bag.

“I get that a lot,” Shepard smiled at her, “Genetics are weird, aren’t they.

Garrus stood back, calibrating their new burner omni-tools. He refused to connect them to the extranet, a notification pinging in the corner that he needed to sign in.

“Oh for sure,” she said before waving them off, “Have a good day!”

Garrus did a tally in his head, checking off what provisions they got. He had also bought a new set of armour, ditching the warehouse clothes in the public trash receptacle. They were cheaper than his last set and he quickly said a prayer for his nice armour which he still felt a twinge of grief for.

It was only until the end of the mission, he said to himself ignoring that part of him wanted to stay here forever.

They began to leave, blending into the crowd as they looked for a nearby hotel. He felt her push against his armour in something resembling their old friendship on the Normandy and he looked at her.

“I liked those clothes I got shot in,” she said with something playful, “You owe me a new set.”

He ignored how close she was treading towards turian courtship. It only took a slight reprimand to stop the way his stomach swooped, a reminder that despite what it meant for him she was still human and she still was out of his reach.

“Uh… sure,” he said, “After all of this is done. I can’t access my bank account right now.”

“How’d you pay for the clothes?”

“Oh a little of this and that,” he said, “The Council will reimburse everything anyway.”

“Oh,” her voice was a little pointed, “So they do that now huh.”

“I… it must be a new policy,” he felt a bit awkward with the change of flow.

Her eyes looked to the side and her mouth tightened, Garrus saw something dark spread across her face. Her hands awkwardly held each other as she curled into herself.

“Wait here,” he finally said, the air around them palpably awkward and she nodded.

He slipped into the motel, keeping an eye out the window to see Shepard tapping her feet. He quickly went to the receptionist.

“Hi,” he pitched his voice higher in his ‘I’m really friendly and not here to cause problems’ voice, “I’d like to book a room.”

“Okay,” the human woman looked bored while typing at her console and Garrus noticed her nametag, “We got a room, two queens on the second floor.”

“That’ll work,” he said, “Thank you Liere.”

“That’s what I’m paid for,” she said, transferring over the key to his omni-tool, “Enjoy your stay!”

He pushed himself off the desk, pulling up his omni-tool to look at the room number. Shepard joined him as they went up the stairs, Garrus slowly opening the door with his hand on his pistol.

He flicked on the lights before checking under the bed and in the bathroom. Satisfied that it was empty he gestured for Shepard to come in.

“It’s clear,” he said, “never can be too careful. I heard about an Asari on Illium being assassinated in her hotel room. They used a singularity to drill through the floor from the room above.”

He reached into his bag, pulling out wires and sensors. He quickly spread them across the hotel room, focusing on anything that could be an entry-way. He tried to not think about the similarities to his time on Omega.

Shepard just lifted the case onto the bed, fingers quickly opening the latch. He heard a slight lilting pitch as she picked it up, Shepard placing a hand on the strings to stop it. She plucked each string going down, giving a nod to something he couldn’t hear. Her fingers pressed into the wire strings, gently plucking an ambling tune with her other hand. Her face began to soften, a smile spreading across her face as she strummed.

Garrus felt himself freeze as he wished there was anywhere in the tiny motel room to hide in. He felt like a voyeur. Witnessing something private as the delicate sombre melody played. He thought himself a coward, he’d always wanted to know what she felt and now he was hearing it and he wanted to run.

Did I even know her enough then to love her? He wondered before fleeing to the bathroom.

The sound was muffled in here, his hands gripping the edge of the sink. His chest ached, a stabbing pain that spread further with every second Shepard was near him.


	2. Interrogation

_She was pushed against the wall, knife at her throat while her face turned up into a snarl. Her instincts made her fight, a loud slap against her head dazed her before she looked at the underboss who took her under his wing in the Red’s._

_“What the fuck was that?” he snarled, knife digging into the skin as a trickle of blood trailed down to her collarbone, “You aren’t paid to fuck up.”_

_Her throat shifted as she swallowed, pain spreading across her neck as it cut a bit deeper. His fingers wrapped around her throat, squeezing as she struggled for air. Her nails cut into her throat while she scratched at the skin. He finally let go to throw her on the ground, Shepard gasping for breath._

_“Lucky for you I still have use for you,” he let her go, “fuck up like that again and I’ll leave your corpse in a dumpster for rats to feast on.”_

* * *

Garrus had a specific set of skills that he grew on Omega. Archangel was a useful tool, making him able to pick out seedier characters. That’s why he knew without a doubt they were being followed.

He had tried to rationalise it away at first, leading Shepard through several turns to cautiously look behind him to see the man in the distance trailing them.

He felt the skin on the back of his neck crawl. They needed to get away.

He looked away, trying to find somewhere to slip away but every turn they took only lead to that fucking man just fifty meters behind them. He couldn’t help but feel irritated, a growl building up in his throat.

“You see them too?” Shepard asked and he had to keep from snapping at her.

“I don’t like this,” Garrus said, half-expecting one of his old enemies from Omega to pop up as well.

She hurried up, slipping through the people and he felt sick as he saw the guitar shifting its way through the crowd.

Shit, he thought as he scurried to catch up, no wonder they’re so easily trackable.

“C’mon,” he pulled it off her back and she grasped the handle on the side before he could toss it away, “Run.”

They both sprinted forward, deftly dancing around the crowd of people. As he lost sight of their stalker they both slowed, slipping into an alleyway to crouch behind a dumpster. She stuck her guitar on the ground next to her, Garrus keeping the grumble in his chest well below her hearing.

“You need to ditch that,” Garrus pointed at the guitar, “We’re being followed because you are way too recognizable.”

“No,” she pulled the guitar close to her chest.

“Shepard,” he sighed wondering what to say but she just shook her head.

“No!”

Her voice was desperate and Garrus realised this was emotional, not logical. He wondered if she even knew what weight she put on the instrument, perhaps tying her life or identity to a scrap of wood.

 _She already hates you_ , a dark voice inside of him whispered, _you could just break it_.

He felt sick for even having the thought, nausea whelming up at him as his only response to see Shepard beginning to fall apart in front of him was to hasten the process.

“Okay,” he finally relented.

He kicked a rock, watching it tumble against the wall before stopping, “I just wish we knew who they were.”

“They’re Tenth Street Reds,” she said.

“What?” that name was familiar, his brain trying to piece together why, “How do you know?”

“I saw his gang tattoo,” she said, “it wasn’t like he was hiding it.”

That’s when it clicked together, it was the gang she ran with when she was a kid. No wonder they were so obvious, sounded like they were more into drug dealing than anything with assassination. He had a feeling though they were at the bottom of the conspiracy, no more than a tool to blame when the cards finally fell.

“We need more information,” he said, “Maybe we could lure him.”

“I know a place,” she said, stepping up, “There’s a jazz bar near here. Empty during the day.”

“That’ll do,” he said, “Show me the way.”

He kept an eye behind them as she led them through the crowd, that man appearing again and picking up his pace to follow them. He quickly pushed in front of her when they arrived, hacking through the door to push in mere moments before the man caught up.

With a hand on her shoulder they hid in a dark alcove right beside the door, Garrus’ grip on his gun tightening as the door opened and light streamed into the bar. He saw the tables and chair quickly get swathed in darkness again as the door closed, footsteps heavy as he moved forward.

Garrus slowly crept forward, his gun raised before he hit the man with the butt of the rifle. Quickly catching him by the collar of his shirt while with another hand pulling a chair from the table.

He slammed him into it, the chair rocking at the force. The man just looked dazed and now that he was closer he could see the tattoo, spread across his chest.

“Would you look at this?” the man slurred, his eyes dazed as he looked up at Garrus, “A bird who doesn’t know his place.”

“How about a bird that’ll beat you until you’re an inch from death,” he snarled, “Talk.”

Shepard just folded her arms, staying near the door. Her guitar was leaning against her while she just looked over the pair of them.

“I ain’t telling you shit,” he said before Garrus hit him with the butt of his rifle, feeling the man’s cheekbones crack under the pressure.

Blood trailed out of the man’s nose and mouth, his tongue flicking out to lick his cut lip.

“Piss off,” he snarled.

Garrus wrapped his fingers around the man’s throat, pushing him back and hearing the chair creak against the floor. He heard him gurgling, feeling the bones in his throat shift under his grip.

“Talk,” Garrus said, “Who hired you? You can’t be the top of this, you’re all too incompetent.”

He just gurgled for a moment before wincing as Garrus rose a hand.

“I don’t know,” he finally rasped, “They just wanted her gone. Said it had to be us.”

Shepard slowly made her way over, looking the man in the face.

“Something about it having to look like a gang hit, some old grudge,” he coughed and blood spattered over his chest, “I just signed up for the money.”

“Besides, what did I care?” the man taunted them, blood and spit filling the man’s mouth again, “One less alien-fucker in the galaxy.”

Then he spit on Shepard, blood and spit trailing down her face and Garrus didn’t have to think before his hand rose and he pulled the trigger. Shepard winced at the noise, watching the man’s head explode as she just stared at the man’s corpse blankly.

“I would say that was cruel usually,” she finally said, fingers splayed as she wiped her face clean, “but he was a dead man already for talking.”

“They would have given him an impossible mission, buried deep in a rival gangs territory, or they would have forced him to make red sand until his body fell apart.”

Garrus watched her, something sick in his stomach as he realised she was talking from experience.

“They pay well beyond the other gangs so there’s no shortage of members hiring up, the desperation to eat keeps their ranks full,” her voice was unemotional until something cold spread through it as she added, “But if you’re not perfect, you don’t deserve to live.”

 _She believes that_ , Garrus felt his stomach lurch as she handed him another puzzle piece to her heart. He didn’t like the picture he was getting, seeing now that she was formed with self-hatred in her veins.

“We should go,” she said, rifling through the man’s pockets and pulling out his credit chit and ID, “The other’s will come looking for him.”

He just nodded and they both ran from the room. Slowing down to a pace as they quickly wound their way through the crowd away from him.

They were a few blocks away when they finally stopped, Garrus keeping an eye out to see if they sent another one. Shepard just kept her grip tight on her guitar, her eyebrows pinching ever so slightly together.

“I think we’re going to scar whoever opens that bar,” Shepard finally said.

“We should get off Earth,” Garrus ignored her, “I know the Red’s have gotten off planet but there should be less of them there, it’s also harder to hide in a crowd of non-humans.”

She just nodded, scratching her collarbone before adding, “Anywhere in particular?”

“If we head to the Citadel we can sneak into the Spectre’s office,” he said, “We need to know more about the people behind this and I don’t think any of the Red’s know more than what we were just told.”

She just nodded as he murmured under his breath, “How to get there? I left my ship behind to keep them from suspecting I was coming. It’s not like we have the Normandy anymore.”

“I know a way,” she said, “How much money do you have?”

“If we’re leaving planet I’ll try to subtly access my account,” he said, “I’m not too comfortable scraping credits from people’s accounts anyway.”

“Can I get a few million credits?” she asked, “I’ll pay you back but I know someone who can smuggle us off-world. He won’t be cheap especially since he’ll know the Red’s or even more are after us.”

“Sure,” he said before they started to walk again.

His hips began to ache when he found a decent bank console, Garrus hijacking it with a VPN before draining his account onto his omni-tool. He knew his banker would be snippy but there wasn’t much else he could do.

Shepard hoisted herself into a public extranet terminal while he was emptying his life’s savings, her eyebrows furrowed as she navigated through it.

Garrus walked over to lean on the curved machine, looking down at her.

“You good?” he asked and she nodded.

“He’ll meet us at a warehouse tomorrow night,” she said, using a physical connection to download the coordinates to her omni-tool.

“You sure he’s trustworthy?”

“He’s loyal to money,” Shepard said, giving a hiss of pain as she hoisted herself up onto her prosthetics, “we just have to pay him enough to keep his mouth shut.”

He hummed, not necessarily agreeing with her risk assessment.

“He also knows I can easily break his legs,” Shepard said, “and you’re a Spectre. He’ll do it, just be ready.”

They just needed somewhere to hide for the night. He was on edge while he booked a room, giving a fake name to the bored employee there. He was almost certain Chellick wouldn’t mind, assuming that the turian had ever found out.

* * *

Garrus kept an eye on their rear, moving down to the harbour again. He couldn’t see anyone following them but he knew better than to trust that he could see everything. They passed a couple of workers, their conversation filtering through over to them.

“... my uniform was gone,” the turian sighed, “that gets docked out your pay, you know?”

“Tell me about it, so was mine.”

Garrus pretended not to hear but he hurried up his pace, slipping into the warehouse with Shepard. He pulled out a pistol and tried to hand it to her, irritation growing in his stomach as she shook her head.

“I’m retired, Garrus,” was all she said, there was something she was hiding behind those simple words.

He snapped it to his thigh with a grumble, figuring one of them should at least show some of their arsenal. Even though it was entirely his arsenal.

He remembered what he thought when he read over the file, _Spirits, Shepard it’s like you want to be shot._

He wondered if that genuinely was the case.

“In here,” she said before they slipped into the warehouse, “He goes by the name Lynx.”

“You still got that dinky guitar, I see,” a voice said from the shadows, their eyes adjusting to see a human man sitting on some crates.

“It’s not the same guitar,” Shepard said, “obviously.”

“Still got _a_ dinky guitar.”

“That’s new,” she pointed to his prosthetic leg.

“Those are new too,” he pointed back at her prosthetics.

“Reapers?”

“Reapers.”

“Now,” the smuggler shifted off the crate, “To business.”

“For you and the turian to the Citadel, I’m taking no less than twenty million,” he said.

“That’s fucking highway robbery,” she snapped with an accusing finger, “and you know it.”

“You’re not cheap anymore, Shepard,” he shifted back while crossing his arms, “Save a galaxy and what people are willing to pay goes up. Besides, I know you’re getting fat royalty checks from all those vids they’re making of you.”

“Fifteen.”

“Twen-ty.”

Shepard’s face scrunched up, eyes flickering up to Garrus. She looked back to Lynx, her eyebrow twitching with irritation.

“Fine,” Garrus said before Shepard snapped and ruined at their one chance off the planet, “but ten now and ten when we arrive. Double-cross us and you just got a Spectre or even all of us on your ass.”

“Smart man, covering all your bases,” Lynx said with a crooked smile, “Well, times a wasting, time to get rid of you two.”


	3. Desperation

_The beep of the machine monitoring her heart was beginning to drive Shepard wild. A part of her wanted to get up and rip it apart, keeping it from permeating her entire being. That dark apathy inside of her cooled that rage, seeping away her emotions as she just lay there nothing more than a Reaper husk._

_She should have died._

_But they kept fighting, doing everything to save her life. When she finally awoke the doctors and nurses raved about how ‘lucky’ she was._

_Luck doesn’t exist, Shepard learned that out the hard way on Akuze._

_She survived because they used the resources and skills they had to keep her alive._

_But they couldn’t save everything. Her legs were gone as was her will._

_She would just lay there, wishing her heart would go in the middle of the night and she’d be free. Those damned cybernetics kept doing their job, keeping her heart in better shape than it was the first time she died._

_Then she heard it, like a siren calling for her from somewhere beyond the land of death she placed herself in._

_That twangy strum of a guitar._

_It was awful, out of tune and whoever was playing it clearly had no experience but she reached over with her arms aching and ripped out her IV. She pulled the sensor from her arm and the electrocardiogram screamed._

_The nurses came in to see Shepard trying to hoist herself out of bed, ready to tumble to the ground and start crawling if need to. They pushed her shoulders and she fought as her body writhed._

_“The guitar!” she screamed and the nurse went pale at the sudden burst of energy that filled the Commander._

_“Do you want it to stop?”_

_“No,” tears streamed down her face, emotions she thought tucked away a long time ago beginning to seep from her cracking stone heart, “I need it.”_

_A nurse shouted for someone to get it and in an instant, it was pushed towards her. She grabbed it, feeling the metal strings shift under her grip and her body relaxed. Her fingers strummed the same note over and over again, listening to the tiny shifts in tune as she turned the tuning keys._

_It had to go back to its owner but the next day there was an expensive guitar in her room with a get well card from Hackett._

* * *

“He mentioned that you played guitar as a child,” he asked from his perch on one of the crates.

He wondered what was in them but he knew better than to open them. He didn’t need to suffocate in space because he couldn’t keep his nose out of where it doesn’t belong.

“I busked,” she said, strumming her guitar absent-mindedly, “I learnt guitar at the orphanage and realised it was an easy way to earn enough to eat a hot meal every so often.”

“Besides,” her eyes glinted, plucking a melody with her fingers as her other hand flew across the fingerboard, “Music is something you can’t deny when it’s good. You just hear it and you have to admit that you like it. There’s nothing else really like it, it can save your life.”

“Nothing huh,” he could help the sarcasm painting her voice, seemed rich from the thrice-over saviour of the Galaxy.

“No,” her eyes were looking somewhere far off, “there’s nothing.”

He looked at her, mandibles brushing against his chin as he debated prodding into this. She always seemed an enigma, hiding what she felt behind fake smiles and enthusiastic words.

“Saving the Galaxy doesn’t come to mind?”

She gave a smile, no energy behind it before remaining silent.

“Shepard…” he said as he wished he could read her mind.

She was just outside of his reach, maybe she always had been. This chasm he had been barely aware of seemed to crumble in front of his feet. Garrus had assumed her distance was always due to the burden of command but now he had his doubts.

It was intentional how she steered away from opening up.

That didn’t mean he couldn’t chase her, close the distance. It wasn’t exactly what he wanted but he had already accepted that he lost her a long time ago.

“So what?” he said, “All your achievements, just a random fluke.”

She shrugged, fingers tightening on the fretboard. She looked somewhere far past him, something sorrowful on her face.

“I was never good at being a soldier,” was all she said in response, looking away.

It felt like a hot knife was pressing against the back of his throat, Garrus trying to swallow past it. It seemed like she was being swallowed whole in front of him. Every instinct he had wanted to pull her close, his hands shaking with the urge.

“It’s okay, Garrus,” her eyes pointed to the ground as if she could sense his thoughts, “I accepted my failures after Akuze.”

He couldn’t help the small whine that left his throat but she shook her head and the ship lurched as it docked, Shepard tucking her guitar back into her case. She put it on her back as Garrus transferred over the rest of the credits. They quickly left the docks, hearing an Terra Firma just outside.

“Earth first!” a Terra-Firma protester shouted to the dissent of the people around them.

“God,” a human passing by yelled, “Shut the fuck up.”

They just hurried their pace, not wanting to get caught in the crowd. Garrus led the way, leading her to the nearest transport terminal to slip into another ward. A car sat by the path next them, Garrus just a bit further when everything flipped upside down.

His hearing whined as he smelt smoke, his hands grasping out as his panicked thoughts turned to Shepard.

 _Please_ , this mantra was he could hear as he saw the car billowing smoke as it’s entire body was warped from the force of the bomb hidden inside of it, _Shepard please be alive_.

He didn’t like the odds. His mandible shaking as he felt grief threaten to consume him. She was closer to the explosion, even if she was clear of the flames the momentum itself may have twisted her neck.

 _I can’t live in a universe without you again_.

His hearing slowly came back and he twisted himself onto his side to see Shepard laying there, guitar case in her lap as her mouth shook.

Even with the case still on it, he could tell the guitar was gone. The case itself had ripped from the impact, the neck twisted around. The body was crushed, perhaps by taking the momentum that should have killed Shepard into itself.

“No, no, no,” she murmured, she unzipped it as Garrus pushed himself up to his shaky legs.

Splintered pieces of wood and snapped strings were all she could hold in her hands. Before she could stop it tears streamed down her face. Garrus just grabbed Shepard, pulling her close as her body shook with sobs as they left the corpse of the guitar on the ground.

“We have to get out of here.”

She gave a weak nod, tears still freely trailing down her face. Garrus let her go, his hand slipping into hers as they ran from the fire. They passed weeping civilians, stirring as they weakly pushed themselves from the ground.

He felt her grip tighten slightly at the sight of them, at the sound of sobbing and cries of pain.

He led them through a maze of corridors, stopping only when the sound of silence swam around them a Keeper on the far end repairing some wires. He felt Shepard’s weak fist against his chest, looking down to see her face twist up in grief.

He couldn’t help himself, his hand reached up to cup her cheek. As tears streamed down her face with her body shaking with loud sobs Garrus was struck by how young she looked.

He felt like he was back on the SVV Normandy, watching the back of the vibrant Commander Shepard. He never realised that Commander he knew during their chase for Saren disappeared in the next two years.

How long did she die in front of him and he didn’t even notice.

“I’m tired of people dying for me,” she finally gasped out, “How many lives have been sacrificed just to save mine?”

“None…”

“That’s not true!” she screamed, pushing against his chest and he just pulled her close with his hands desperately grasping her shirt from behind.

“I woke up from the Lazarus project, everyone on that station dead or dying because the Shadow Broker wanted my body,” his grip tightened a bit, Shepard continuing as her voice grew hoarse, “How many people could’ve been saved with the medical treatment I received after the Crucible?”

“How many…!” she looked up at him, her voice shrill as her eyes were wide with panic.

“Stop this,” Garrus whined, his forehead against hers as wished he knew exactly what to say to make her feel better.

He knew what he wanted to say. As bad as it would hurt Shepard he didn’t care how many died. He’d sacrifice a trillion lives just so she would breathe a minute longer. That’s what love turned him into, a horrible person.

No wonder he lost her.

She huffed for breath as the remnants of her tears rolled down her chin, Garrus dragging a tongue across her cheek to lick them away without a thought. He felt her tense but he focused on the salt on his tongue and her gentle puff of breath against his chin.

He wondered if she was angry at him but she just leant against his cowl, forehead against his armour curling up into his embrace.

 _This was not a good idea_ , part of him screamed but he couldn’t help it. He just wanted to hold her in her grief, that’s what he always wanted. He was weak when it came to her.

He pulled away, his hands adjusting her hair without even thinking. It was like a dam broke inside of him, his body moving before his mind could realise it was a bad decision.

“We should go,” her voice was soft, her hand slipped into his and he felt a shiver go up his spine as his toes curled in his boots.

“Ye…yeah,” he swore he could feel his fringe shifting up, his entire body shocked by her touch.

He could feel the phantom sensation of her fingers trailing across his scars on that first night they had together. Garrus could count on a single of his hands the number of times she ever initiated something resembling affection, her hand in his brought it to his third.

He hated the hope his heart sang with, he knew better than to trust it.

Still, he let her lead him, his heart pounding in his ears as she found another transport terminal. He couldn’t help the way his body deflated as she let go, his eyes trailing down the way her shirt drooped as she leant and noticed the dark purple bruises lining her back.

His face darkened at the sight.

While he knew realistically it was a sign she survived but it still made his stomach turn, his head hurting from the flip of emotions in his body.

* * *

They’d found themselves on some shitty hotel in Shalta ward, Garrus just knew he was being ripped off as they entered the room. Where Shepard had usually waited for Garrus to check the room first she just pushed past him to curl up on the bed.

He quickly set up the sensors before standing up, his stomach grumbling as it tried to squeeze into itself from hunger. The sensors connection to his omni-tool was only short-range but he had noticed a grocery store just across the street, Garrus letting Shepard know he’ll be right back before heading out.

As he left Shepard behind his heart began to pound in his chest, the fear of coming back to the room and finding Shepard dead refused to leave him. A nagging thought began to unravel him, that wonder if he should be more afraid of losing Shepard to the assassins after her or to Shepard herself.

He didn’t think about what to grab, just a hot dextro and levo meal from their deli. He hurried back, keeping an eye out before slipping up through the hotel’s fire escape. He heard his omni-tool beep at him as he opened the door, letting him know that something (himself) had crossed one of the sensors.

The only sign that she had moved was the change of clothes, her old ones just tossed to the side. He hated how she looked, that dark colour across her back showing through the white tank top.

“Here,” he offered her the levo meal, watching her shift up to shake her head with a hand up.

He just watched her, feeling something start to brew in his stomach. He couldn’t decide if it was hot or cold but it hurt. Those doubts he had in the grocery store came back, his throat squeezing uncomfortable at the realisation he had the fear of coming back to her hanging in a noose.

“You told the Council no,” Garrus said, staring at her while holding her meal, “you refused to come with me.”

Shepard just curled up into herself, head buried into her knees while her arms pulled them close.

He finally decided. His stomach was cold like he swallowed ice.

“Do you want to die?”

She didn’t answer, just curling up into herself even more. He grabbed her arm and she ignored him until he pulled that’s when jumped up, anger scrunching her face together. She tried tugging her arm free, eyes tight with anger as she refused to look at him.

“Shepard!”

“You’re cruel,” she whispered, her head tilting forward.

“I have to know.”

“And if I say yes?” Shepard closed her eyes, “Would that make you happy? Would that finally make you realise I’m a waste of space?”

“Truthfully Garrus,” she began to ramble, “I should have died on Earth, I should have died on Akuze, I should have remained dead. I should have…”

“You’re wrong,” his grip tightened on her, “It’s a good thing you’re alive. It’s a good thing you’re here.”

“Some people deserve to die,” Shepard whipped her head around, staring him in the eyes with a look on her face that turned his blood cold, “You obviously think that too, why else become Archangel? You don’t have to dance around that I should be one of them too.”

“Slavers and serial killers, yes!” Garrus exclaimed, ignoring the way she ripped into his heart with her words, “people who literally united a galaxy to survive an ancient killer robot race, no!”

“The Bahak system,” was all she said and she ripped her arm free as his grip loosened in shock.

“They were dead anyway Shepard,” his head shook, “You know that…”

“I’m pretty sure slavers and serial killers have nice excuses lined up for them too,” she turned away from him and his arms ached to hold her close, “They were feeding their families or a bad childhood. It doesn’t matter, their actions still have to be held accountable.”

“Yes, Garrus, I want to die,” her voice pitched up hysterically, “Does that make you happy?”

He wanted to shake his head, firmly grasp her shoulders and tell her everything. That rage in her eyes made the words freeze in his throat.

“You wanted to know,” her hands reached up to hold her head, her voice suddenly small, “Does it?”

It almost sounded like she was looking for something from him. Whether approval or disapproval, he couldn’t say. Instead of answering he just wrapped his arms around her from behind, that subtle scent radiating from her hair overwhelming him.

“Does it?” her voice squeaked, shoulders starting to shake.

“No,” he finally settled on being honest though he doubted any words could cover the way his heart squeezed tightly, “It doesn’t.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would apologise for the wait but I do want to try to make sure everything is good before it posts. I'll write the chapter then go over it multiple times with every line to make sure that everything is in character and it's properly relevant to the plot. I try to make everything as intentional as I can.


	4. Hidden

_She was exhausted, barely enough energy to stand under the hot water. Her arms ached as she squirted shampoo into her hand to rub into her scalp. As she pulled her hands away to rinse she looked down, noticing hair wrapped around her fingers._

_“No, no, no, no,” her voice pitched up as she grabbed a fistful of hair and lightly pulled._

_There was a slight tug but a clump still came with it, exhaustion quickly becoming overrun by something overwhelming. It wasn’t until she tasted salt on her mouth that she realised she was crying, throwing her hair to the ground and turning off the shower._

_Water dripped from her body as she dug through her toiletries, shoulders beginning to shake with sobs. Her hand shook as she lifted up the hair clipper, squeezing her hair just so it was damp before turning it on._

_A hum filled the bathroom as she lifted it to her head, hair tumbling to the ground as she pushed the razer through her hair. With each lock of hair being cut that dark feeling began to ebb away, Shepard just focused on the soothing action of pulling hair back and cutting it off._

_With her hair only an inch long she didn’t recognize herself in the mirror. Hair covered her breasts where it fell and her eyes were still puffy from crying. She turned off the clipper, her hand still feeling the vibration of the tool as she raised it to run a finger across her scalp._

* * *

“Spectre Status recognized,” the VI rang above them, “Human, Commander Shepard.”

As it recognized Garrus, Shepard’s eyes narrowed to the speakers above them.

“Why am I still in the system,” she muttered, “I’m…”

“Retired,” Garrus finished for her, “I know but do you remember what they said at your induction.”

He still remembered it, felt it burned at the back of his eyes. That awe as Shepard was recognized as the first human Spectre. He had never seen history in the making like that before, his eyes stuck firmly on her back as she stood firm as a great burden was rested on her shoulders.

“This is a great achievement for you and your entire species?”

He shook his head, “Spectres are not trained but chosen. Unless you die or turn like Saren they won’t remove you from the system, it’s not uncommon for Spectres to retire for years then come back. Asari in particular tend to do it.”

She didn’t say anything, her face strained, as Garrus went to the information terminal. He entered the one hint he had gleaned from his interrogation of the Tenth Street Red gang-member into the search bar.

 _Anti-alien sentiment_.

A few prominent searches came up and he scanned through them, searching for anything that made his skin crawl. He learnt to trust his instincts, knowing that his brain usually saw the dots before he realised it consciously.

“You ever think about going back to being a Spectre?” he asked, his eyes on the screen, “They have training to get you back into things.”

“No,” she said, looking down the hallway to the embassy, “I don’t.”

Garrus looked away from the screen to see her face, _needing_ to see her face. He saw the subtle shifting of the muscle, her eyebrows moving indescribably between several emotions.

“Why did you retire?” he finally asked, looking back at the screen as he asked the question that bothered him for the last few years, “Your legs?”

“No,” her voice was soft and he couldn’t help but look again, seeing her shirt stuffed into her fist as her grip tightened on the fabric.

He just stared at her, his head tilting. Her eyes were sad, staring forward as some unspoken grief spread across her.

“Why did you become a Spectre?” she finally asked, the two of them looking away from each other.

He couldn’t say the real reason, that he needed something to distract himself from the emptiness he felt since she left. His life had no real meaning anymore even just these last few days have been an indescribable torture. He’d alternate between happiness at just seeing her again to that sorrow he felt in his bones that he would never be able to love her again.

“To distract myself.”

It was as honest as he could get.

He was grateful that Shepard didn’t ask him from what, unsure of how she’d react if she knew he had been running from her.

“Sometimes,” her eyes flickered over to him, “You need to crash and burn before you can start to heal.”

His mouth felt painfully dry, mandibles flickering as he wondered what to say. He didn’t know if she ever actually healed just crashed and burned into something unrecognisable. Or maybe this was how she always was, with whatever walls she had burning down in the crash.

“Here,” he said, his eyes fixated at the screen as the words jumped out at him.

_Cerberus_

It wasn’t a lot, just something about old members beginning to move. It speculated a new organization but he felt his throat ache at the lack of information.

He hated not knowing.

“That’s not much,” Shepard said, leaning over his shoulder.

“Yeah,” he said, scratching at his fading scars, “It’s something though.”

“Liara would probably know more,“ he muttered, “The question is how to get a hold of her, we got rid of our old omni-tools.”

Shepard just remained quiet, her gaze somewhere far past him. He didn’t like this, didn’t like that look on her face.

“I don’t know if I should,” her voice was soft and deep, rumbling through her chest in a way that was nearly turian.

“Why?”

She shrugged and he felt that wall that broke between them the day before slowly be rebuilt in front of him.

She was so apathetic. it was like something died inside of her once her guitar shattered. Or rather it’s that she now lacked something to fill those empty parts of her.

“Let’s just get out of here,” Garrus said, “We’re safe in here but I don’t want to get trapped.”

Garrus kept an eye out as they quickly slipped through the Embassy. Shepard pulled her hood over her head, Garrus just straightening out his gait with a determined walk. With people parting at the sight of a Turian on a mission and Shepard’s more recognizable features hidden they slipped back into the wards.

He didn’t know when that feeling began to brew in his stomach. That foreboding ache that something wasn’t quite right. Garrus didn’t have to think, just immediately push Shepard out of the way before a bullet went through someone in front of her.

Garrus grabbed her wrist as the man fell to the ground dead, quickly bolting forward towards the only cover he could see. He ducked his head down as people began to run, a terrified screaming surrounding them.

They slipped into the enclave between the two stores. With no exit way Garrus’ mind began to swarm with ideas, anything he could do to get Shepard out of here.

Shepard just tugged her arm free, stepping back before turning away from Garrus.

"Just leave me."

His head whipped around to look at her. Her eyebrows were pinched together, her eyes tight with something painful. Garrus opened his mouth, ready to fight and argue until she realised her life had more worth than she put on it.

“I didn’t even want you to come here!” she snapped, "I was fine when it was just me and my guitar."

"Were you?" Garrus hands tightened, his armour creaking from the tension, "or were you just using your guitar to hide from your problems?"

"Please," she pleaded, "Don't say that."

"Because it's true?"

"You don't know what it's like, Garrus. I have nothing," her voice twisted, "nothing at all except for the one thing I could pretend I'm good at."

"Now that's gone too."

Tears splattered against the ground, her fingers gripping the hem of her shirt.

"You have me," he vowed before he could stop himself.

You've always had me.

She just looked at him, a forlorn look in her eyes. She didn’t say anything but it was clear she didn’t believe him. The tiniest quirk to the corner of her mouth before she ripped his heart out.

“You’re only here because of the Council.”

“And I didn’t leave when you asked because I want to be here,” he started to ease towards the edge of the wall, “Not because of a paycheck or even because Victus asked.”

He flickered his omni-tool on and she heard the snap of a camera. He quickly pulled his arm back and loaded up the picture. His face quickly scanned the picture, looking for something that only a sniper would see.

“There,” he finally said, taping somewhere up near the top, “That’s probably where.”

At the very least if it was him up there that’s where he’d perch. He wished there was just a bit of cover jutting out from the wall, he needed to be quick before he simply got shot. He began shifting back over across the wall with his back pressed against the metal. He let a piece of his armour stick out, his arm wincing as the bullet grazed him.

The second he heard the loud boom of the sniper rifle he leapt from cover while raising his gun where he figured the assassin was hiding. He squeezed the trigger and he thought he saw something fall. Garrus waited a second - breath in his chest - before exhaling as no second bullet came.

“Are you okay?” Shepard asked, her body covered in the darkness of the short corridor.

“Yeah,” he said, touching his arm, “It just grazed my armour.”

She hummed something and he just watched her, seeing her hand raise to tightly hold her other arm.

“People are dying because of me,” he couldn’t see her face, just the tip of her nose where it wasn’t shrouded in shadow, “I think the easiest way to get a hold of Liara is to find Barla Von.”

* * *

Slipping the OSD that the volus gave them into his pocket, Garrus immediately started to look for a place to hide. They needed to let things cool down, he knew that both C-Sec and whatever organization this was would be in a flurry for the next few days.

At the very least they could wait a night until finding a public terminal as Barla Von suggested.

He kept looking over his shoulders while waiting for the bored concierge enter him into the system. The second the key transferred to his omni-tool, Garrus whipped around and left before finding the back door to let Shepard in.

They both wound up the stairs, Garrus letting her go first while keeping an eye on the stairs behind them. Shepard only stepping back to let Garrus open the room. She gave a low whistle as she stepped inside, looking over the large room.

“I think this is probably the nicest room so far,” she said, putting her bag down while Garrus quickly did his routine of laying sensors down, “though there’s only one bed.”

It looked more like a suite, a small pseudo-lounge to the side and an electric fireplace on the far wall. Shepard walked past the table with a terminal towards the nearest dresser, opening the drawers just as Garrus finished.

Garrus sat down on one of the couches before Shepard turned around to head to the bed-side table to yank open the drawer there. She froze at whatever was in it, Garrus tilting his head.

“Did you pay by the hour?” Shepard asked while Garrus’ eyes fixated on the way her shoulder blade shifted while she looked through the drawer.

“No? Why?”

“I just found this,” Shepard leant back, holding up a box of assorted species condoms she pulled from it, “That and the singular bed is making me think this is a love hotel.”

Garrus made a noise that almost sounded like a varren in heat, coughing suddenly as he sputtered out, “I swear it wasn’t on purpose!”

She just looked at him - face blank - until a smile spread across her face. Her body began to shake with laughter and Garrus looked at her incredulously. Then she just didn’t stop, her body rocking with tears prickling at the corners of her mouth with the giggles that refused to end.

“it’s not that funny,” Garrus said, moving to her and pushing her into the bed.

“You should’ve seen your face,” she giggled before looking at him, her face softening as she gripped his shoulders.

“What can I say,” he hummed, hand barely touching her waist, “I’m a real comedian.”

Something painful crossed her face and she pulled back, hand weakly falling to her chest.

“Sorry.”

He just sat down and watched her, head tilting slightly as he wondered what to do. They were dancing around each other awkwardly and Garrus knew there was something on her end holding her back.

He decided to change the subject.

“Your hair’s growing out,” he said, reaching out to rub the ends between his fingers, “Why did you cut it anyway?”

“What?”

“On the Normandy,” he said, “after we… you cut your hair really short. Why?”

“Oh,” she was small, fingers taunt as she squeezed her hands together.

She was silent and he wondered what she was thinking. Her hands tightened and relaxed before she finally answered with her voice no more than a brush of wind. He couldn’t help that part of him that berated him, eager to rip into him for fucking up what little ground he regained with Shepard.

“It was falling out.”

Her face seemed to grow gaunt, a haunted look in her eyes. Her arms slid to wrap around her waist while she curled into herself.

“I didn’t know that could happen,” he didn’t know what else to say.

She just nodded before getting up, she dug through her bag to pull out some pyjamas and changed in the bathroom. His fingers twitched as he ached to pull out his omni-tool, put his mind towards something besides those racing thoughts in his head.

“I’m going to bed,” he barely heard from her as she sat on the bed and removed her prosthetics.

He waited until her breathing evened out before connecting to the terminal in the room. He booted up a VPN before typing in his question.

_Human losing hair_

He opened the first link before reading it over, a dark feeling beginning to drop in his stomach like a heavy stone. There were a lot of things that he wasn’t sure that related but one hit home.

_Emotional shock._

He thought back to the Normandy, a connection he didn’t like was in front of him but he couldn’t deny the time-line. She _had_ cut her hair just a few days after it happened, Garrus always suspected it had something to do with that but now he had more of the picture.

Spirits, his head found a home in his hand as he just felt like shit.

Her hair fell out because of me.

He quickly closed the terminal, running a program to delete everything on it. He leant back to see Shepard’s form shifting in the light seeping through the curtains and he wondered for the first time if he broke her heart just as much as she broke his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If it looks like I can't decide how many chapters this is that's because I can't decide.
> 
> I might speed up with posting just because of how I wrote this. I started with the end and the beginning and worked my way in from both ends. So a lot of the later chapters are already written.


	5. Prodded

_“Why not come to me?” Shepard asked, “We could have worked together.”_

_“In a way,” Maya looked at the Commander, “We already did.”_

_“I put together those dossiers for your Suicide mission,” her eyes got a glint to them, “I see you still have Archangel. It was a pleasure to meet him.”_

_“And a mistake,” her eyebrows pinched together, “We were a pro-human organization turning to aliens. And when I found one of you that agreed we decided to do something about it.”_

_“The target on your back just got bigger,” was all Shepard said._

_“And if, say, Commander Shepard said that I’d feel threatened,” she smiled before the vault began to shift into the wall, “You aren’t Commander Shepard, not anymore.”_

_“Sayonara,” Was all Brooks said before darkness overtook them, the vault shifting down to join thousands like it._

* * *

He inserted the OSD into the slot of the public extranet terminal, waiting for a moment before the screen flickered on and he was greeted with Liara’s face.

“Garrus,” was all she said before her eyes flickered to the bottom of the screen, “give me a second, I’m pulling up the data.”

“I’d tell you what I came for but I have a feeling you already know.”

Her eyes twinkled before saying with a smile, “I always know.”

“This Cerberus off-shoot,” Garrus asked, “What do you know.”

“I should have figured you would get that far,” Liara said, “Hold on.”

“They call themselves Hades,” Liara said, her eyes pointed at something just beyond the bottom of the screen, “Best I can find it’s because Cerberus was known as the hound of Hades.”

“So they consider themselves better than Cerberus.”

“Or the true masters,” Liara hummed, “Speculating is useless. I do know that several high-ranking Cerberus officers suddenly abandoned their posts when Maya Brooks did.”

“They weren’t part of the scientists Shepard found?”

Liara shook her head, “Not all of them, they’re still unaccounted for. I can only find records of the Illusive man’s hit on them.”

“That’s less information than I expected,” Garrus sighed, still the little they did know bounced around his mind.

“I lost a lot of agents during the war as well a lot of governments are more focused on rebuilding than gathering intel. It’ll take years until I can catch up again.”

He tapped out a rhythm, his head beginning to swirl with the intel. He couldn’t get any hard information, nothing to point him to the enemy and take it out. Nothing he could use to keep Shepard safe.

“You mentioned Brooks,” Garrus said, looking up as he remembered the woman who had fooled them and tried to replace Shepard with a clone, “Think she might be a part of this?”

“It might be worth interrogating Maya Brooks,” Liara rubbed her chin, “She’s in a high-security prison hidden deep in the wards. Your Spectre status will get a lot further than my agents.”

“I’ll talk about it with Shepard.”

“How is she?” Liara asked, something in her voice making him freeze.

“I don’t think that’s for me to say.”

“I know, I was just hoping. She’s cut herself off from everyone from the Normandy.”

Liara’s head tilted down, eyes flickering to the side as if some debate roared inside of her.

“Garrus,” her voice wavered, “You should probably know this. I know what Shepard means to you.”

“I’m listening,” he said, head whipping around to see if anyone was drawing near before looking back to the screen.

“I’ve seen footage of Shepard in the hospital after the Crucible,” her eyes were strained, “Just a little but it was enough.”

“She was like a corpse,” Liara confessed and Garrus’ hands tightened their grip on the console, “She’d lay there, day in and day out, and refuse to move or do anything.”

It wasn’t surprising, Garrus thought, but it still hurt.

“It wasn’t until she got her guitar that she started to get better.”

“It broke,” Garrus said, his eyes down.

“I know. I’m just telling you because that darkness doesn’t just magically go away. Not because of an instrument and definitely not because you cut yourself from every aspect of your old life,” Liara grew a bit hard, “you and I both know that.”

“Just… be careful, Garrus.”

There was a moment of silence, neither of them willing to look the other in the eye. It was no secret that Liara cared about Shepard, her feelings maybe even rivalled his despite the Commander never reciprocating them back to the asari.

“I have a safe house on the Citadel you can use,” Liara said and Garrus connected his omni-tool for her to download the location and a key to open it, “Good luck.”

Then she was gone, the screen black.

It didn’t stop the sour taste spreading across the inside of his mouth. He grabbed the OSD as it slid out, slipping it into his armours pocket before stepping up in a daze. He needed to see Shepard, that familiar ache settling through his body at the loss of her.

* * *

It was stark. Just a nondescript building deep in the wards. If Garrus didn’t know better he would have walked right past it. Instead, he slipped in with Shepard, throwing a look behind him before the doors sealed behind him.

“You need an appointment,” the ‘receptionist’ said while chewing gum loudly, Garrus certain it was an act to keep this looking less like a prison and more like a business.

“We really don’t,” Garrus just responded before sending over his Spectre code, the woman’s back straightening up as her terminal pinged.

“I was getting tired of giving directions to lost tourists anyway,” she shrugged, “How may I help you, Spectre.”

“Here for Maya Brooks,” he said, “or that should be the name she’s under. I don’t think they could ever find her real name.”

“The Cerberus girl,” the woman said with her eyes reflecting the screen in front of her, “Yes, she’s in the cell 285. I’ll get a guard to show you the way.”

“Thank you,” Shepard said and the woman just gave her a reverent salute.

“Got Commander Shepard and another Spectre here,” she said into her comm, “Need to be taken to cell 285.”

Shepard’s face twisted up in displeasure and Garrus just chuckled. He patted her shoulder and she just turned her displeased look towards him.

“One of us is just infinitely more famous,” he said with a shrug and she just grumbled something to herself.

“I can’t help it that you saved a galaxy,” he got that smug tone to his voice and she glared, “There are already kids named after you though so you’ll just be one person in a sea of Shepards if you wait long enough.”

She sighed before the guard appeared, his body tense as he looked at Shepard. Shepard just gave him an easy smile but he froze up a bit more, not even speaking just gesturing them to follow him.

Garrus couldn’t help that pleased hum that spread through him. There was something that made his heart soar seeing that human males were so frightened of Shepard’s reputation of ‘Saviour of the Galaxy’. While he knew Shepard was out of his life romantically he was certain it’d kill him if she’d ever hooked up with someone right in front of him.

Like he already knew, this was what love turned him into.

The guard eventually stopped and pointed at a door, 285 on a plaque above it. Garrus had always wondered where the people that Spectre’s caught went. Now he knew the Council buried them deep in the Citadel, locking them into a room forever. He wondered if this was where Saren would have ended up if he hadn’t killed himself.

Maybe that was part of why he did it.

“I’m being the bad cop,” Garrus joked as Shepard’s face tightened, “I know already that you can’t do it.”

“I could if I wanted to,” she muttered but he felt relief at the way her shoulders lowered.

He opened the door to see bars. A small suite was on the other end, everything a sapient needed except a kitchen. Brooks was in a chair, eyes fixated on a physical book before looking up to them. She didn’t acknowledge them at first, just slowly walking to the bookshelf on the far wall to put it away.

“What brings a Spectre to a lonely place like this,” Brooks leant against the wall her eyes piercing through both of them.

“I’m retired,” Shepard sighed and Garrus just stepped forward.

Brooks seemed hardly the woman she was when he first met her. They were all taken in by that wide-eyed woman who claimed to write programs name after her cat. There was that cruelty obvious on her face, a look that even made him shiver.

“Cut the shit,” Garrus snapped, “Where are your lackeys.”

“I hardly know what you’re talking about, Archangel,” Brooks picked at her nails, “I’ve been in this charming prison since the war ended. I’ve never even seen this galaxy that Commander Shepard made.”

She was hiding something, Garrus was certain of it. There was something about the way she looked at the two of them that made his plates itch. He couldn’t help but worry. If Brooks was letting that much slip there must be something in it for her.

He didn’t like being lured.

“You never answered my question,” she said, “What brings you here?”

Garrus just watched her, that debate roaring in his mind as he tried to figure how much intel to spill. Even if she wasn’t a part of the current conspiracy it didn’t mean she didn’t know more about who was behind it.

“Someone’s trying to kill me,” Shepard said, an odd look on her face while she looked Brooks in the eye.

“Again?” she stood up from her chair, a smile on her face as she stepped towards them, “Must be tough being so popular.”

She tapped her chin, eyes staring forward before her head tilted. Her hair shifted down her back before a knowing grin spread across her face.

“This new galaxy of yours, it seems fragile if one death can topple it like a deck of cards.”

He hated to admit it but Brooks was right. They all relied too much on Shepard or just even the idea of her.

“Our leadership knows better than to get tangled in an unnecessary war,” Shepard’s hackles raised.

“And that _leadership_ decided the easiest way to keep the peace was to assign you a Spectre,” Brooks appraised both of them before her gaze settled on Garrus, “even the council admits that your death would have a high cost.”

“Leave Garrus out of this,” she snapped, her arm instinctively moving to shield Garrus, “This is about me.”

“Is it really, Commander?” Brooks smiled before turning to Garrus, “For such a militaristic species turians are interesting in that they all have one tragic flaw.”

“I wonder if that’s why they’re so strict, keeping a society running when they all have time bombs inside of them can’t be easy.” she shrugged playfully, her eyes sharp as they pierced Garrus.

“After all there’s a reason all great turian tragedies are romances,” she added and Garrus felt a chill run up his spine, “Can you really stop what’s in motion or will you join them?”

Shepard just looked between them, confusion clear on her face. Garrus felt something crawl down his throat and lodge itself there while Brooks’ face went dark as she sneered.

“Why don’t you go run and play your little game, turian? If I knew anything why do you think I’d help you?”

He stepped outside of the room with his head running with thoughts as Shepard followed him through the door. How long had Brooks known? If Brooks knew before her arrest then the rest of them knew for sure, his fist collided with the wall as he felt his plates crawl.

“That bitch,” he snarled.

Alien-fucker, that’s what that Tenth Street Red gang member called her.

He thought it was referencing her liberal policies as a Spectre but what if it was more. How could he miss the pattern? It was right in front of his eyes. His chest heaved as something hot began to blaze in his stomach.

“Garrus,” her voice was soft, a hint of fear, “We have to get going.”

His anger flowed away as he looked at her. His throat went cold as he realised she was scared of him. He felt himself deflate under Shepard’s concerned gaze.

“You’re right,” he sounded defeated.

Her hand wrapped around his arm and she pulled him along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is starting to finally wrap up. I've decided that it'll be eight chapters in total now which is what I first thought then I thought differently for like two days when I went over my notes and then back to eight when I actually got it written. I will also remind people that this fic is mature and mature things are going to happen soon. 
> 
> I really like this fic, I really like writing it and I enjoy reading it which is something I don't really do with my own fics. It's at the point where I want to write a sequel but I'm a little scared it won't stand up to this. I guess I'll have to just start working on it and see if it comes together as well as this one did. I'd try to have it focus on Shepard's perspective rather than Garrus', kinda flipping the pov's between the main fic and the flashbacks.
> 
> We'll see how it works, when she does have the pov, Shepard's a bit rambly to herself while Garrus is more thoughtful and insightful though they're both negative to different degrees.


	6. Confession

_Her arm draped across the toilet, her shoulders shaking before she vomited again. Whatever food she had forced herself to shove down swirled in the toilet as she flushed it. Nausea still swarmed in her stomach and it hurt as her body tried to force even more up,_

_Forcing herself up with the smell of vomit coating the back of her nose. Her hands pressing tightly against the seat before heading to the sink, twisting the handle._

_Water rushed into the bowl and she leant down, sucking in water. She swished it around her mouth, that burning taste dissipating before she spat it into the sink._

_“Shepard?” EDI asked from the console in the other room, “Should I get Chakwas?”_

_“There’s no need for that EDI,” her eyes flickered down to watch the water swirl down the sink, “I’m just stressed.”_

_She reached over to turn off the sink, hearing the faint sound of water dripping from the tap. Her eyes flicked up to the mirror on the wall, noticing her cheeks becoming gaunter every day. She sighed, hand reaching up to rustle through her short hair and ignoring the bald patches of skin she felt._

_“It’s just stress,” she closed her eyes while biting back tears, trying to forget about the plans for today she had made with Garrus just a week ago._

* * *

“What did Brooks mean?” she asked as they slid into the safe house.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“It sounded like something I should worry about,” she said, her shoulders squaring up as she shifted into her Commander persona, “I need to know what she threatened you with.”

He just looked at the ground, wondering if she’d understand. He knew she was dancing on the razor’s edge, he didn’t know if he could handle it if this was what tipped her over. His eyes closed for a moment before telling her the truth.

“Turians are monogamist,” he said, “Not in the way humans understand the word. We get one chance to fall in love.”

He saw her face blanch out of the corner of his eyes.

“It’s deep, consuming,” he refused to look at her, his hands tightening, “and when they die, we grieve them for the rest of our lives.”

He still can still feel the emptiness he had when Shepard died like the galaxy around him went cold and dark. He saw that same grief in his dad when his mom died and that’s when he knew he’d been a romantic fool for a long time.

“So she threatened Tali,” her face was frightfully neutral, mirroring her exactly before he lost her, “I’m sorry.”

“No,” he said, knowing they were treading dangerous waters but he decided he was going to face this until the end, “Tali and I were never together. I haven’t spoken to her in years.”

“Then a turian I don’t know,” her voice grew smaller, looking away.

If this had been when they were on the Normandy he wouldn’t know what to do, just watch as she pulled away. But he had more insight into her now, having seen more of that darkness she seemed to have carried around for years.

She didn’t think she was good enough to be happy or even be alive. She believed her entire military career a fluke.

She believed he loved someone else.

“No,” he said and she looked up at him.

“Huh?”

“It’s you,” his hands began to shake, something hot spreading across his body as he bluntly said it, “She threatened you.”

She froze, her entire body tensing. He saw her hands clench at her pants, desperate to hold something.

“She didn’t threaten some fictional woman,” he couldn’t stop now, these feelings he had for years beginning to bubble out of him, “It’s always been you!”

“What… what do you mean?”

“Because I love you,” his eyes burned through her while adoration rumbling in his chest, “Because I have always loved you. I want to protect you. I want to make you happy. I want to wake up every morning and see you there, Spirits, I want it so badly it _hurts_.”

Now that he said it he couldn’t stop, Shepard's face was slack in shock. His hands rested on her shoulders and pulled her close.

“The short time we had together was the best in my life, I’ve never been that happy.”

“I thought you left because of what Tali did because I didn’t do enough to stop that but I see now that you were hurting and I… I didn’t know.”

Tears streamed down her face while her face remained still as he moved up to cup a cheek.

“I failed you then, I won’t fail you now.”

At his touch, she grabbed his wrist with both hands and leant into his hand as something broke inside of her. Her body began to shake with sobs but she just pulled herself closer to him. Her face began to twist into itself, eyebrows pinching together.

“I’ve never deserved you,” she gasped out, as her cheek rubbed against his palm and her grip tight on his arm, “I’m so sorry Garrus. I’m so sorry I left. I didn’t know.”

“Enough of that,” was all he said before his lips pressed against hers, tasting the salt from her tears.

He felt his chest thrum as her smell overwhelmed him. He wanted more, his body aching with the pure feeling of her back in his arms. Her tongue brushed against his lip and he growled, pinning Shepard against the wall.

Her arms supported themselves around his cowl leant up into his embrace. His tongue slid out to stroke Shepard's, wishing he could feel more of her against him but judging by the way she jammed her slim fingers into his armour’s hatches she seemed to feel the same way.

“Please,” he pulled away to gasp, panting against her cheek, “I know humans don’t work like turians, I’m not going to let force yourself out of guilt but I need to ask. I can’t do this if it’s only for tonight.”

“Are you sure I’m who you want?”

It sounded desperate like she wanted nothing more than to believe him. Her heart had grown cold over the years and was unwilling or unable to take another heartbreak.

“Yeah,” his fingers trailed down her face, thumb gently pulling her bottom lip down before releasing it, “You’re who I’ve always wanted.”

“I don’t deserve you,” she finally said, “I deserve you even less now. But if you can look at me, all of my flaws and still love me then…”

Her head shook, her eyes glimmering with tears, “I’m going to struggle Garrus, I always have and I know I always will. But I’m tired and if you want this then I can’t fight myself anymore. I want this too.”

“Love for humans isn’t this innate drive,” he just watched her as she just kept rambling, wondering how long this has been inside of her, “It’s a choice. We choose to be with the people we care about and we choose to keep falling in love. And it’s time that I chose you, after all you’re choosing me.” 

“Shepard,” his voice was low and soft, hands on her waist before giddily saying, “My Shepard.”

“Yours,” she affirmed before giving a startled noise as she was hoisted up into his arms.

“Time to move this to the bed I think,” Garrus nuzzled her cheek, licking the salt from them, “I’m not going to take you against a wall, you deserve better than that.”

“I…”

“Don’t argue with that,” Garrus kissed her, feeling her kiss back “I know you’re biased.”

To her credit she kept quiet, Garrus focusing on the weight in his arms. His armour shook with the sheer force of his subvocals. It was like everything burst inside of him and he couldn’t keep himself quiet.

She just curled up into his embrace, hand on his chest as he noticed her eyes closed with a faint smile on her face. He knew she couldn’t hear him but it never occurred to him that she could feel it. Had she always enjoyed it, feeling the way his body called for her.

That’s something he’d have to ask her.

He slowly eased her onto the bed before stepping back, his armour quickly falling to the floor. She just watched him and his plates began to spread at the way she squeezed her thighs together.

He quickly stripped off his undersuit, needing to feel her skin on his. Like a deep ache in his body, he needed to know this was real. He could barely hold back, his hands pressing against her the second he was free.

His hands were on her waist, the cloth of her shirt riding up to let him touch skin. He trailed his thumbs against her stomach, feeling the tautness of the muscles and the curves she’d picked up from retirement. She rested her hand against his and he whined, his grip tightening on her.

He glanced up to see her eyes fixated on his face and he was struck by how soft she looked. Her eyebrows shifted in that subtle way as she tightened her grip on his hand.

“You really love me,” it wasn’t really a question, rather a whispered confession, “Have you always looked at me like this?”

“Yes,” he knew what expression she was talking about, he’d caught himself with it on again and again whenever he looked at her.

He couldn’t help it. Her mere presence made his chest rumble and his damn face put on that love-sick expression. He had once heard that there was nothing softer than a turian in love and he was a near-perfect example.

“Garrus,” she breathed and he shifted his hands up, watching enraptured as her shirt lifted to show more of her stomach.

He slipped the shirt up over her head, thumbs massaging into the skin. He bent down to nuzzle against her collarbone before freezing. His fingers gently moved over the puckered skin in her shoulder, a hint of red showing how fresh the scar still was. It was the wound from the first day they had, when she pushed him out of the way.

His tongue dragged across it and tears welled in her eyes at how tender he was.

“Does it hurt?” his voice was reverent, mostly subharmonics before he nuzzled against it and she could feel it in her ribs.

“Sometimes,” she confessed, “it’s still pretty new.”

He pressed his mouth plates against it, mandibles stroking the skin next to it. He could never really kiss like a human but he wanted to try, to meet her in the middle of their two species.

Garrus finally pulled away to ease her forward, fingers quickly trying to undo her bra. Shepard just watched, Garrus shaking his head when she reached up her hand to help.

He’d always imagined how this would go, how he’d love her if she ever came back. He wanted to smother her with his feelings, let her have no doubt how he felt. He wanted to carefully strip her himself. She gave him a small smile as he triumphantly pulled the damn contraption off of her.

His tongue curled around her nipple as his hands played with the waistband of her shorts. Her hips rocked into him for a moment before she reached down to unlatch her prosthetics. Garrus pulled away for a moment to gently rest them by the side of the bed, making sure they’re easy for her to grab when she woke up.

He had long learned where and how to touch her. Those few weeks of time he had with her more than enough to patiently learn. His tongue dragged across her neck and she shivered below him, feeling himself harden as her grip tightened on his arm.

She whimpered - a sound he only last heard in a dream - and he pulled her closer with his lips on hers.

“I wasn’t lying when I said you had me,” he said, lining himself up with his cock teasing her entrance, “I am devoted to you.”

“Isn’t that cruel?” she asked, hip pushing up into him and he felt himself growl as his cock threatened to slip in.

He just shook his head before easing into her, “I’d never stop even if I could.”

Something high pitched brewed in his throat at the way her walls clenched around him. Nothing had ever come close, no matter how many times he had tried to pretend his hands were no match to how she felt. He pushed himself fully in, feeling her body clench around him as it tried to adjust to him.

Her eyes were closed and he nuzzled against her face, feeling her hand rise to scratch at the back of his head before confessing, “It’s been years, sorry. Give me a moment.”

His chest ached as he realised that he was still her last. His hands gripped her waist as he stayed there, feeling the way her walls slowly adjusted around him.

“It’s been years for me too,” was all he said and she couldn’t help but smile up at him.

“I’m sorry.”

“Hush,” he kissed her, feeling her begin to shift underneath him.

“Please Garrus,” her blunt fingernails dug into the plates of his back as she finally pleaded, “I need it.”

“What do you need?” he asked, feeling her weakly rock her hips against his.

“I need to feel you,” she panted as her body radiated heat, “I need to wake up tomorrow and know this happened. To feel your seed down my thighs.”

She gasped as his entire body rumbled on top of her, his lips against hers as he rocked his hips into hers. He could feel her body shuddering as he eased his cock out of her before her body tensed as he pushed back in.

The sound of hide slapping against wet skin filled the air and he panted, breathing in Shepard scent as she writhed underneath him. He groaned as her thighs tightened around his waist and he felt the muscles tense with each thrust into her.

She mewled and moaned underneath him and he kissed her, his tongue twining with hers and he couldn’t help the way his grip tightened on her waist.

“I love the way you feel,” he confessed, never wanting to feel that regret ever again, “You’re so tight, you squeeze me perfectly.”

He wanted to stay like this forever but he could feel that edge coming. He rolled his hips upward - listening to Shepard’s voice pitch up as he stroked that part deep inside her - he needed to see her climax before him. Her hips rocked up into his, her back arching as his thumb trailed around her clit.

She came with a near scream, her entire body arching up into his. Her walls tightly clenched around him and he couldn’t help himself, his body pushing flush into hers and his cock twitched as he released as well.

He finally pulled himself out of her - his spent cock sliding back into his plate - before he let her pull him into the bed. His body shifted until her body was pressed against his and he rested his head on her shoulder.

“While I’m enjoying this moment,” his hand rubbed circles into her stomach and his chest began to ache with the way he was rumbling with happiness, “you said you wanted a new outfit, anything else you want?”

“You don’t have to,” she rested her head on his chest, her eyes beginning to close.

“I want to,” he said, “Turians tend to… damn it this sounds stupidly clinical but I swear it’s more romantic, we tend to give gifts to each other when we’re at this stage. It’s kind of an instinct from when we used to nest that we’ve kept over the years.”

“Humans do it too,” she said, “it’s more of a love language than an instinct, depends on the person. Besides, there’s a lot of human holidays where gift-giving is expected. Valentine’s, Christmas, and while it’s not really a holiday but birthdays.”

He couldn’t help but imagine himself showering her in gifts, using whatever human excuse he could find. He purred as he realised that Shepard would be giving gifts too, something from her to him to show that she cared.

“I think I like that,” he hummed, nuzzling against her temple before licking the skin there.

She just nodded, sleep beginning to overwhelm her. Her body slowly relaxed eased into sleep by Garrus stroking her face and hair. Her breathing slowed and he slowly shifted out from under her. He quickly put his armour on and curled up on the floor with his torso on the bed, stroking her arm as he watched the cameras.

She was his, he wasn’t going to let anything harm her ever again.


	7. Trapped

_“You know what we do after a mission like that?” Joker exclaimed and Shepard gave him an empty smile, “We party down.”_

_“Maybe,” was all she said._

_“Oh c’mon,” Joker insisted, “you got this great apartment, why not break it in.”_

_Her eyes dropped as she saw Garrus move halfway to the front door before stopping, standing just framed in the doorway to the kitchen they were in. Her hand ached as she dug her fingernails in her palm, taking a deep breath as she willed her face still._

_“Nah,” she said, rubbing the back of her head with an overly enthusiastic voice, “I got a bit of a headache so I think I’ll take a nap, I’ll let you guys know if I decide to have a party later."_

_She looked up again and Garrus was gone, Joker and Vega filing out with a pout. Her body curled into herself as she was finally alone, the corners of the room pressing down on her before she went into the sunken living room._

_She fell on the couch, eyes staring at the ceiling as all of her energy seeped out of her. Why did Garrus show up? she wondered, he had just appeared at the apartment after the attack at Ryuusei’s before quickly consulting with Vega. Her chest still ached at the sight of him, she wondered if the rest of the crew suspected something happened between them._

_They probably don’t care, she thought, they probably wish that she would shut up. They had to be sick of her, throwing them into danger while they were on shore leave without the slightest warning. Maybe she should have let her clone take over, her face scrunched together as her teeth sunk into her bottom lip and her eyes burned._

_Goddamnit, when did she become such a pathetic piece of shit._

* * *

She woke up and she reached out, hand stretching through the sheets while she looked for Garrus. She could feel his seed drying on her thighs, an ache through her hips she hasn’t felt for years.

Her eyes opened to look for him but was greeted by an empty bed. Her arm shifted and she could see thin curved scars on the skin. Her hand tightened and her breath caught in her chest, trying to keep the dark thoughts inside of her from rising.

Her breath was shallow and quick, body tense. Tears began to prickle the corner of her eyes. She couldn’t help it, that dark voice inside of her taunted her. Letting her know that she deserved to be used and left behind like scraps.

“Hey,” she felt the bed shift as Garrus sat down, hand resting on her hip as he carefully talked to her, “I’m right here.”

She took a deep shuddering breath as he nuzzled her cheek, murmuring reassurances. Her body began to relax under his grip leaning into the way he massaged the skin.

“Sorry,” she finally whispered, shame filling her, “I thought you…”

“I was getting you food,” his voice was calm.

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” he said, “I’m here.”

He shifted her onto his lap, hand stroking her cheek. He followed her gaze to see her staring at her forearm, specifically the small scars that matched her fingernails. Garrus just grasped her arm and pulled it to her chest, hiding the scars.

He brushed his mouth over the knuckles of the hand he was holding while his thumb rubbed her wrist.

“So about last night,” his voice was low but she tensed underneath him, “I think it’ll be a while until we can do that again.”

Panic spread across her face so he quickly said, “Last night was amazing,” he brushed her hair out of her face, “but I don’t want to get caught with our pants down. Once this is over we can have as much sex as you want, I just don’t want you to get hurt because I couldn’t keep it in my pants.”

“Okay,” she hummed and Garrus felt his heart pound at her weak smile before she pressed a kiss to his cheek, “But I’m keeping you to that promise.”

“Oh I’m hoping for it,” he nuzzled her cheek in return.

He felt like he regained his sight after living years in the dark, the warmth of her body against him filling him with giddy happiness he didn’t seem to want to bottle up.

“I love you,” his voice was soft, fingers trailing up her forehead to scratch her scalp.

“I…”

“You don’t have to push yourself,” Garrus said, “I’m happy enough that you’re here.”

“But…” there was guilt on her face, Garrus trying to wipe it away with a tender stroke of his thumb.

“You can tell me when you’re ready,” he said and she opened her mouth to argue, “it’s okay, I know.”

She sat up, reaching for her prosthetics. She had latched the first one to the implant in her knee when he picked up the other, looking at her with an inquisitive look before latching it on after she nodded.

“Let me know if…” he froze as he heard the sound of something against the ground downstairs.

His hand quickly went to his pistol as Shepard almost leapt up, grabbing whatever clothes near her and quickly slipping them on. He slowly eased down the stairs, keeping his back against the wall before peeking out at the bottom.

Shepard just stared at him from the top her body tense as she tried to get as low as she could with her prosthetics. Garrus looked both ways with his gun up before noticing the pile of mail on the ground. He slowly eased up before checking all the rooms again before returning to the front.

He pulled out his omni-tool to scan the mail before Shepard eased down the stairs, tilting her head at him.

“What is it?” she asked and he finally reached for it.

“An OSD,” he said before opening the box.

She just made her way over, Garrus booting up a firewall before connecting it to his omni-tool. His body finally relaxed as he saw it was from Liara. He pulled up the file and he felt his stomach flip.

“Brooks escaped,” he said, his eyes growing darker with each word, “They found an omni-tool hidden in her room, all they could get off of it was that she’d been sending messages out for months.”

“Any clue of what she’s been planning,” she walked over to him, feeling him reach out to grasp her hand.

“No, it’s only the log of messages received and sent.”

His grip tightened and she squeezed back. Garrus was grateful for it, grounding himself before starting to piece together the thoughts swirling in his mind.

They were being played with, he finally had enough of the picture to see that. He had seen enough of Brooks in action to know that if she didn’t get what she wanted right away she would pull at the strings until she did.

They were pushed until they had to confront Brooks, possibly even to lead Hades right to her. Only a Spectre would know where those prisons were, they were designed to hide in plain sight. Depending on when she got the omni-tool it’s possible that no one knew where she was.

She knew he’d hunt her, regardless if she took Shepard out in one of their attempts on her life.

“We need to think about what we do next very carefully,” he finally said, “I think this is the last chance we have to stop this.”

“Well,” Shepard rubbed her face with her free hand, “I guess we know her end goal.”

He looked at her before she added, “They’re going to try to kill me. That’s how this was always going to end.”

“Shepard…” he cupped her cheek, needing to feel her warmth.

“We can use that against them.”

“What are you planning?” his thumb trailed across her cheekbone.

“If we split up,” she said, hushing Garrus before he could protest, “I can lure them to a warehouse while you slip ahead and set up there before we can arrive.”

“Would they believe I let you just leave?” he hummed.

“I can fight or something then run off, it’s not like they haven’t been watching us. I’ve been fighting nearly every step of this trip.”

Garrus knew better than to mention anything. She’d made good strides since they finally confronted that pain in front of them. Shepard had something faint inside of her now and Garrus wanted to give her a chance to let it grow.

“I can even pretend to look for you before slipping away,” Garrus said.

She nodded before he held out his pistol, her body tensing at the sight of it. It was like she was afraid but Garrus pushed forward and put it in her hand.

“Please Shepard,” he wrapped her fingers around it, “Just in case.”

He could feel her trembling and he knew he was being cruel. He didn’t back down and her grip tightened on the gun before he pulled away. Her hand still trembled but he pulled a holster off his armour to wrap around her thigh.

“Okay,” she finally said, slipping the gun into it and her body relaxed, “I can’t promise I’m still good at shooting though.”

He just pulled her close, his forehead pressing against hers. It was desperate like he wanted to fuse them together. If he lost her again he was sure he’d go out in a blaze of glory, he wasn’t strong enough not to.

“Now let’s figure out where to lead them too,” he finally pulled away, his voice tight with unspoken fears, “Gotta make sure the plans perfect before we leave.”

* * *

She could feel their eyes on her, keeping her hood up as she ran through the streets. Her omni-tool would buzz differently to turn left or right, letting the run appear to be more naturally panicked then a deliberate path.

She trusted that Garrus found his own way there, having set up a perch already. They’d poured over whatever places they could think off before Garrus mentioned a warehouse he’d had to investigate back in C-Sec.

His instincts at the time picked out the perfect spot for a sniper perch, a convenient Keeper walkway right through the top of the roof. It wasn’t too high that he couldn’t grapple his way down if he needed too either.

She felt their presence behind her and she picked up speed, the curve of her metal prosthetics pushed her forward and gave her a boost of speed. Still, she was getting tired, her legs no longer used to this amount of exercise.

Almost there, she thought as her lungs burned and the warehouse came into sight. Her body screamed at her to stop but she kept going forward, her eyebrows furrowing as she ignored the ache growing in her thighs.

She burst through the doors before rushing to the far wall. Panting for breath as she heard footsteps behind her. Her body felt drained as her legs went heavy. She finally turned around to see Brooks there, followed by two armoured humans with guns.

“This is over, Shepard,” Brooks said with a smile, “Don’t worry. I’ll make sure C-Sec finds your body. Maybe I’ll even plant enough evidence to blame the turians, they’ve been getting too close to humanity for a while.”

“Or maybe just one turian, I did promise Archangel a tragedy.”

One of Hades agents raised a gun at her signal before a shot rang out. Blood and clear liquid splattered against the ground as the man died, Shepard crossing her arms with a smile.

“Did you honestly think I would just storm out?” Shepard said with a laugh, “How old do you think I am, five?”

Brooks' eyes widened as she realised she just walked into a trap. Garrus laughed to himself before raising the scope to his eye again, taking aim from his nest. As Brooks and the other assassin slipped behind cover he quickly shifted his gun to his back to slip down closer.

Shepard threw herself behind cover, bullets whizzing behind her head. She heard Garrus’ dash, pushing himself right over her with his armoured body shielding hers.

“We have to deal with Billy the Kid over there,” she said, Garrus very acutely aware of the way her fingers grasped his armour.

“I don’t know what that means but I have something to even this out.”

His omni-tool beeped as one of the sensors he slapped down went off. He pushed a button and heard a human scream as the crates by the Hades agent exploded. He heard gurgling and as much as he wanted them to suffer all they could he leant up to shoot the agent through the skull.

He didn’t need him to fire a shot at Shepard as a last act of defiance.

With her backup gone, Garrus stood up with his gun fixated at on Brooks. He didn’t know if he wanted to shoot her now or leave her to rot in a prison alone for the rest of her life. A dark part of him he associated with Archangel wanted to tear her apart, let her suffer for as long as he could. Only long after it would be considered a mercy would he kill her.

“Give it up, Brooks,” Garrus said, keeping an eye on her as he finally decided, “You’ve lost this fight.”

Instead of a response Brooks just raised her gun at Shepard and fired. Shepard suddenly finding herself on the ground and skidding a bit. Her eyes went wide as she saw Garrus take the hit instead, his arms still outstretched from pushing her to the ground. His armour cracked and blue blood splattered across the ground before he tumbled to the ground. Her hand on was her thigh, fingers grasping the pistol strapped there.

The pistol rose in her shaky hand, aiming it at Brooks’ head. She felt the flames of the Crucible on her face as she squeezed the trigger, both eyes closed with her mouth filling with bile. It seemed like she was an eternity away from that warehouse, the Catalyst whispering in her ear.

The gun clattered to the ground as her hands let go, opening her eyes to see Brooks dead on the ground staring at her. Blood trickled from the hole in her forehead, eyes blank.

“Garrus,” she whispered before she began to crawl to him.

She shifted herself half-up, using the momentum of her speed to keep herself from toppling to the ground. Tears flew from her eyes as she threw herself at Garrus’ side.

“Please no,” her lip tremored as she rolled his body over, “don’t be dead. I can’t do this Garrus. I can’t do this without you any more.”

Her hands desperately pushed on the wound, hands covered with blood as if that would fix everything, before gasping, “You can’t make me want to live and then just die on me.”

She heard his pained intake of breath and the tears flowed from her eyes freely. He reached up to cup her face and she grasped his hand desperately with both of hers.

“You know,” he groaned, shifting upright, “I’m kind of insulted you’d think that’d kill me.”

“Garrus!” she threw her arms around his chest, hot tears pouring down her face onto his armour.

He buried his head in her shoulder, his arms wrapped around her. He just held her close, letting her take comfort in the closeness of his body. Garrus felt her body stop shaking, her eyes puffy as she pulled away.

“I shot Brooks.”

He looked over to the body, seeing the clean headshot, “Nice aim, you still got it.”

She shook her head, her voice wavering, “I really don’t.”

He just held her, knowing that she’ll tell him in her own time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Got one last chapter after this. I'm excited to wrap this up as well as start the next one in this.


	8. Coexistance

_The two of them lay in her bed, Garrus shifting even closer to Shepard with an absent hand stroking her waist. She just looked up into the stars above them, watching them twinkle through the observatory window. They’d just beaten the Collector’s before they fell into bed together, happy and drunk as they eagerly consumed each other. His eyes were fixated on her, seeing the way the light danced across the profile of her face._

_“So,” he couldn’t help the happy rumbling in his chest, it all still seemed like a dream, “What would you have done if you weren’t military?”_

_“You trying to get my secrets, Vakarian?” she gave him a lop-sided smile and he gave her one of his own._

_“Oh, I think I know what I need to,” Garrus rolled a nipple between his fingers to prove a point and she gave a breathy moan._

_“Don’t start something you can’t finish,” she hummed and he just rested his hand on her stomach, feeling it shift with each breath, “I don’t know.”_

_She looked upwards, eyes reflecting the great wonder of the cosmos above them “Maybe a farmer?”_

_“You?” he sounded incredulous, it just seemed impossible to picture her in overalls with a pitchfork._

_“You don’t know,” she insisted and he just watched her hands clasp together on her stomach on top of his hand while her head turned to look at him, “Maybe in another life I grew up in the colonies.”_

_Her eyes twinkled with mirth before adding, “Though knowing my luck it’d be Mindoir.”_

_“You think we’d still meet?” he asked, knowing that realistically the chances they would have met on the Citadel was already astronomically low._

_If another C-sec officer had been assigned to chase Saren, would that officer be here instead? Sharing drinks and a bed with Shepard. His chest ached to think about it, if the multitude of other people around them had chosen differently they would have lived their lives without the other._

_“Why not?” she shrugged and he couldn’t help but laugh at her attitude, “It’s my fantasy.”_

_Her eyes softened before she whispered, “We can meet over and over again if that’s what I want.”_

* * *

“We had no idea that Cerberus had reborn,” Victus said, “you stopped a massive problem before it could even start. We’re in your debt.”

He’d all heard this before, except it was directed at Shepard at the time. The council at the time ended up ignoring that gratitude and sent her to her death. He tried to keep that bitter thought out of his head, only the Salarian councillor was the same now.

“We will still have to clean up the rest of Hades,” Councillor Osaba said, “But without their leader, they should be disorganized.”

“There are no words strong enough to express our gratitude to you for saving Commander Shepard,” Shala’Raan said, “We won’t make the mistakes of our predecessors.”

The salarian councillor’s face went dark for a second and Garrus just impatiently shifted, waiting for them to get their long speeches out of the way so he could go and hold Shepard.

He’d waited for years, anything more than that was torture.

He breathed a sigh of relief as the council dissipated and he turned on his heel. He couldn’t help his quick pace as he left the room and crossed the hallway to the kitchen. During the entire meeting, he was painfully aware of her sitting just in the other room, with his body aching for her.

“You could have just hung up on them,” Shepard said from her seat as he walked in.

“I think Victus would hunt me down if I did that,” he sighed, mandibles spreading out from his face in a yawn.

Garrus walked towards her as she stepped up from the chair. His hands went to her waist as they met, his mouth against hers. He couldn’t help but growl as she pushed against him with her hand rubbing his scars. He reluctantly pulled away, mouth against her cheek as he panted for breath.

“So… how in detail were those reports?” Shepard asked, breath on his face as her thumb pressed against his chin.

“There are some things the Council doesn’t need to know,” he grasped her hand, squeezing it while warmth radiated from him, “Things just for us.”

“You know,” her fingers trailed down his armour, “I was promised sex.”

“Were you?” his voice was low as he moved forward, his cheek pressed against hers as he whispered in her ear.

“Oh yeah, this turian promised me all the sex I wanted,” she stroked the soft skin underneath his chin and he couldn’t stop the purr deep in his throat.

“Sounds like a lucky turian.”

“Only if he hurries up and strips,” was all she needed to say before he threw his armour to the ground.

With a hand on her ass, he lifted her up onto the table, hand bunching the fabric of her shirt before deftly pulling it over her head. It landed somewhere on the kitchen floor behind him as he turned his attention to her bra.

He didn’t bother to undo it, simply slipping the straps off her shoulders and pulling the whole thing down. Garrus couldn’t help the audible swallow as the lace pushed into the bottom of her breasts, her breasts spilling out and her nipples hard under the cool air of his kitchen.

Humans on their own did nothing for him but Shepard? Just seeing her like this was arousing.

He dipped his head down, long tongue brushing against her nipple. He bit back a moan as she whimpered and instead focused on the taste of her skin and the texture of lace against skin. His hand reached to cup her other breast, rolling her nipple between his fingers. Her hands went down to her pants, shifting awkwardly before slipping them and her underwear off onto the floor.

He could smell how wet she was and became acutely aware of the undersuit draping across his body. He pulled away to her displeased whine to start unsnapping the thin fabric apart. Her hands reached up to join his, spreading across his chest before freezing. He got the fabric off his waist before noticing her cold stare at his chest.

He saw her face before looking down, seeing her eyes were focused on the shot from Brooks. Her hand splayed across the healing wound, feeling the cracked plates. He swore he could feel the pulse of her heart through her fingers, watching her bend down to press her forehead to the plates just above it.

His breath caught in his chest, hands tightening on her waist as he nuzzled the top of her head.

“I’m here,” was all he said but she looked up at him, her eyes glimmering with unshed tears.

She cupped his face, thumb trailing against across the scars on his face before kissing him. He pushed back, her thighs opening for him before he slid into her.

Her eyes fluttered as she gasped, Garrus taking the opportunity to slide his tongue into her mouth. He could feel the heat radiating from her face, his hips slowly rocking into her. He felt her fingers on the skin of his neck, his body tense as she massaged him.

She pulled away and he tightened his grip on her as she began to suck on his neck. Her teeth gently brushed against the leathery skin and he couldn’t help but snap his hips into her, hearing her squeal underneath him.

“I love you,” his eyes closed, focusing on the drag of her walls around his cock, “I never want to see you hurt again, I’ll never allow it again.”

She clenched around him before shuddering out her release. It was only a few more thrusts into her before he followed, his seed spilling out of her and onto the table. He let her pant for breath before easing out of her, her walls squeezing around him as if they didn’t want him to go.

His forehead pressed against hers before carefully pulling her close. Her body curled up in his embrace as he carried her up the stairs. She looked at him inquisitively and he just chuckled, his lips against her forehead.

“I promised you _all_ the sex you wanted,” he took a deep breath, his head firmly in her shoulder, “I don’t think you’re even close to being done.”

“I’m not,” she murmured back and he just sped up before bursting into his bedroom.

He kept her close before arranging the pillows of his bed, gently setting her down and watched with a dry mouth as her legs shifted. His seed coated her thighs already and he felt his mandibles wavered helplessly at the sight of the off-blue liquid seeping out of her.

“Garrus,” her arms were out and he quickly made his way home in her arms.

His mouth pressed against her as he hardened again at her fingers on his neck. His tongue flicked out, hands on her thighs before he rocked into her. She was still so sensitive from her last orgasm, whining as her walls gripped him.

Her hands were on his face, fingers curling around his mandibles. He began to rock into her and he felt electricity shoot down his spine. Her body arched up into him with her hips trying to meet his deep thrusts.

Her eyes opened and he was mesmerized by the way she stared at him. Her breath panted against him as she groaned with each thrust of his cock. Her lips pressed against his scarred mandible and he felt his hips snapped into her at her touch.

“You told me you love how I feel,” her hand rested on her stomach and he wondered if she could feel his cock shift inside of her with her hand, “I love how you fill me.”

He thrust inside of her entirely, watching her back arch up in pleasure. Her eyes closed for a second before she relaxed, a soft smile on her face.

“I love how thick you are,” her mouth opened, tongue running along her upper lip, “It makes me feel so full.”

“I want you inside of me forever,” she writhed in the pillows cradling her body, thighs tightening around his waist, “I never want this to end.”

He wished he could speak, tell her that he felt the same way. He wanted to spend an eternity buried inside of her. Instead, he just grasped her hand, feeling her fingers slide to fit between his three.

His eyes closed at the onslaught of electricity spreading through his body from his cock. His mouthplate pressed against where her neck met her shoulder and his mandibles opened wide with need. With each heavy breath, she shivered underneath him, no warning before her fingers grasped his cowl and she came.

Her walls squeezed him into his own orgasm with his entire body shivering as he pleaded with her name. He felt his seed push up against his hips as it spilt out of her. He kept his hips still as he felt his cock slip back out of her into his plates, enjoying the lingering feeling of her.

He panted against her shoulder with eyes closed as he just took in her warmth. It still hadn’t settled in yet, that he had another chance. He whined as her fingers absentmindedly stroked the back of his head, his toes curling at the shot of electricity through him.

Then she pulled away and he looked up with panic flaring in his voice. Instead, she just pulled off her prosthetics and shuffled further out on the bed, patting the pile of pillows next to her. He quickly crawled in after her, his arms wrapped around her waist as she curled up next to him. He kissed her, feeling her push her lips onto his before pulling away to just look at her with that warm electric feeling brewing deep in his stomach.

“I’m thinking about retiring from the Spectre for a bit,” he brushed her hair free from her forehead.

“Because of us?” she asked, her legs twining through his.

“Yeah,” his eyes closed, resting his cheek against her hair, “I want to make up for lost time.”

He felt her breathing slowly even out with her soft breaths against his neck. He forced himself awake for as long as he could, just content to feel Shepard’s sleeping form against him.

* * *

He shifted the heavy case from one hand to the other, he learned pretty quickly that it wouldn’t fit on his back. He made his way through to the farmhouse, winding through gravel to walk up to the door and unlock it.

“I’ll be there in a second,” Shepard called from the kitchen with the sound of running water muffling her voice slightly.

Garrus just shifted into the living room, breathing a sigh of relief as he put the case down. He heard the tap shut off, Shepard stumbling into the room while wiping her hands dry with a tea-towel.

“I thought I heard…” she froze with her eyes squarely on the case laying there, “Is that…?”

Before he could stutter out something about gifts or lost time her lips were on his, her hands desperately grasping his shirt while tears made their way down her face.

“I love you,” she blurted, Garrus’ mouth dropping slightly before she kissed him again.

He stumbled back onto the couch while Shepard quickly pulled the guitar out of the case, strumming the top string while subtly tightening the pegs. She moved her way down, Garrus just watching her tune it with nothing more than her ear.

Satisfied she sat down next to him with her legs across his lap as she cuddled up. Garrus leant back with his thumb rubbing circles on her shoulder, hearing Shepard begin to strum a tune.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there we go, this is finally complete. I might have the first chapter of the sequel up tonight or maybe Monday. It's kinda been a great journey writing this and I'm glad you all read this. Thank you and thank you for every comment and kudo I've received on this fic.


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